Here it is - the moment of reckoning. I've tried for so long to manifest positivity into my life but I've been irresistibly drawn by the dark side. As I followed, I suspected that this road would lead to my demise and still I came. In the back of my forebodings was the thought that the END would come later rather than at the beginning.
I have no more energy left to walk away or start life once more. I've used up my 9 lifes this time. My expiration date is now. All of my passion for life and for art is snuffed into the dirt of despair. And the choice of whether to allow myself to suffer or to slip gently into that good night is the biggest one I've ever made. Maybe the choice will be taken from my hands by an "accident", although I do not believe there is such. I really went and did it this time dad...the final reckoning with your abusive ways. I've finally found someone who is capable of being so incredibly kind and sensitive that it melts my heart. But lately his preference seems to have landed on disinterest in my heart or my happiness. The worst part is that my heart is still his to dispose of at his whim. Nothing he does seems to dampon my love for him. Stupid....how stupid could I be? This is the grand finale of my life.
Sarah sang it well....
Stupid
Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me aloneto carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you
everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
